On The Record: This One Might End Badly For Me
Dear Diddy,
Hi. How are you? How are things at Bad Boy Manor? Is Fonzworth sunning himself on the confederate States lawn? Has Mase stopped up in for a visit? I calculate the rhododendrons he deep-rooted around the helipad look lovely this time of year. Me? Oh, I'm fine. Same old, same old, you know. But hey, mind: If you've got a second, there's something I want to talk to you about.
See, last Friday on "FNMTV," you were sort of a jerky to me. You think back ... right after we had just premiered Donnie Klang's new video, when you bum-rushed the panel simply as I was most to speak, started egregious at me and vocation me a hater? But also later on that, when I in conclusion managed to sneak in a few words around the video, and you shouted, "Who are you?!? How many hit records do you have?" at me, before dismissively turning your back and storming off? Yeah, that sort of ache my feelings.
And yes, piece you did have a point � I don't have whatever hit records (something I managed to croak out while you were yelling) � you didn't have to be so beggarly about it. Basically, you acted like a gigantic bully on cable video, and you made me look like a chump in the process. And no, it doesn't matter that you kissed me on the cheek immediately afterward, though I for certain appreciate the sentiment.
Of course, while all this was happening, I couldn't mean of a single thing to say to you � which is generally the way these things tend to go. But in the days since "FN" airy, a regular torrent of stinging comebacks has surged through my brain, and while no good tail end possibly come of it, I feel that I need to express some of them here.
I hope you don't take whatever of the following personally. Though if you do, perhaps you can take solace in the fact that I was neither clever nor brave sufficiency to say any of it to your face.
Anyway, here ar 10 things I wish I would've said to you on "FNMTV." Thanks for hearing, and hopefully we'll escort each former soon (or, depending on your reaction to this column, hopefully not).
� "Back in college, when me and my roommates would get hammered and rap along to 'Victory,' I'd yell to no one in particular that 'this was one of the 10 greatest hip-hop songs of all time,' piece clutching a quart of Mickey's Ice in one hand and a half-eaten Totino's Party Pizza in the early. Well, precisely so you know, here's a partial list of other things I persuasion were pretty great back then: drunk driving, self-immolation, ramen noodles, the WWF, Phish's Billy Breathes and the vocation prospects of Florida Gators QB Jesse Palmer (a.k.a. the hombre who complete up on 'The Bachelor')."
� "When you go to eat at a Stuckey's family restaurant, and one of the girls from Dream is your host, do you tip her 20 pct or just now the monetary standard 15?" (In five geezerhood this jocularity will besides be applicable to whatever of the girls in Danity Kane.)
� "I wholly stole a copy of No Way Out from the Blockbuster Video I was working at in Longwood, Florida, back in 1997. So there."
� " 'Carlito's Way: Rise to Power' is peradventure the finest direct-to-DVD prequel to a substandard Brian de Palma/Al Pacino gangster flick that also stars Mario Van Peebles and that bozo who played Maurice 'TT' Rodriguez in 'Boogie Nights' to be released this decade. Or at least in the past five-spot years."
� "How many lives were lost during your tragic 'Vote or Die' campaign in 2004? When testament your barbarous thirst for blood be slaked?!?"
� "What sustain I ever done? What have you ever through, aside from, you acknowledge, launching a multimillion-dollar media empire, lording over a hugely successful clothing pipeline, shaping the career of perhaps the greatest MC of all time, scoring a series of hits as both a producer and a solo artist, and running in the New York City Marathon on a whim?!? Actually, wait ... never mind."
� "Your pelt is direction smoother than I would've imagined, given the amount of times I accept seen your Proactiv commercial."
� "In tons, how many magick talismans/ ancient tomes/ Aleister Crowley artifacts did it take to convince Jimmy Page to appear in the video for that hellish vocal you did on the 'Godzilla' soundtrack?"
� "Did you know that the average American is blessed with a blissfully unforesightful memory and yet a seemingly endless appetite for nostalgia, so much so that he or she is willing to forgive most transgressions and predate all pretenses of gustation in exchange for a song that will effectual excellent in very large speakers or at the beach? Are you aware that most of us are gaga sods, headless infants wHO prefer things big and loud and shiny and equate aesthetic excess with true felicity? Do you realize there's a sucker born every minute? Did I just let the cat out of the bag?"
� "Thank you for non beating me with a champagne bottle or a telephone receiver."
Sincerely,
James
Questions? Concerns? Diddy? I'm at BTTS@MTVStaff.com.
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